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In the wake of the atrocity of last week’s post, We offer a warm greeting to Our readers; We pray they will not judge Us harshly for the uncultured grammatical downfalls of the students the University doth thrust upon Us for instruction. Eliza Doolittle was not trained into a lady fit for society without much concerted effort on the part of Professor Higgins. Metaphorical references to antiquated, simplistic musicals aside, reality rarely measures up to one’s aspirations despite Our most sincere efforts. Woe be it that caning is no longer an acceptable method of instructing pupils upon the finer points of our language!

Alas, hope remains. None of Our other students have yet requested to tarnish Our blog with their low-brow prattlings and “Blingees.” Thus, today We would like to discuss something broader than the individual maker: a tool employed by perhaps as many as a quarter dozen contemporary artists who disseminate their creations through the YouTube.

Whilst the enlightened multitudes of Our peers have damned the technological revolution for removing artists from the physical source of their art, We have, to the contrary, adopted a progressive attitude which will certainly earn us the lambasting of other guardians of artistic sensibility. We have migrated to the digital plane through such superior technologies as those invented by Apple, and Brøderbund Software (now part of Software MacKiev, which has a far less interesting sounding name and will not be used going forward in this discussion). While Brøderbund is best known for their “Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing” program – a perilous adventure hearkening back to the late 80’s in which a female ethnic minority struggles in the urban office environment for dominance through mastery of the home row keys, the company is also responsible for a program known as “KidPix,” which has been assisting children, the artistically incapable, and the mentally deficient to express themselves since 1989.

But in the modern era, the subtleties of artistic expression are frequently overlooked not only by the public, but by the creators themselves. Exempli gratia: could We expect the uneducated layman to grasp the profound ethical questions posed by Our piece below?

320-401-8654“Untitled #88A: Grey on Grey
(Monochromatic Musings Upon 21st Century American Exceptionalism)”
Hercules Romanus
Digital exposure on iPhone Camera, 2014

This minimalistic, ingenious work was captured after a night of indulging in fine spirits. The tracery of the Johnny Walker Blue Label Scotch across the wall of our apartment was created by the laws of nature interacting with the textured paint upon the surface. But the impassioned gesture of the artist (Our illustrious self) and the conscious decision to immortalize the image of it upon Our iPhone™ is what gives depth to this piece. Until the dawn of the abstract expressionist movement in this country, such a profound leap of thought would not have been understood and appreciated.

Therefore, We ask Our readers to consider the implications of works created with Kidpix, such as the following piece by an anonymous artist who goes by the mysterious name “brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004″:

egomaniacal“Untitled (Ego)”
brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004
KidPix on Printer Paper, Circa 2009

This artist is likely of a young age with poorly developed motor skills, yet with the assistance of KidPix3D they are able to channel intuitive conceptions about the egotistical consumerism that permeates the modern landscape into a tangible format. Consider, if you will, the Dadaist collage works of the last century. While the artists claimed to be against art and to have works devoid of traditional meaning, the culmination of elements creates an intuitive meaning within the viewer – a meaning that brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004 is no doubt too naive to articulate without the assistance of Brøderbund.

KidPix3D also enables artists to produce animated works, or, as We prefer to term them: spontaneous digital fourth dimensional artifacts.

“Untitled (Animals of North America)”
brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004
KidPix Movie, Circa 2009

The resemblance of this piece to Vito Acconci’s 1972 “Seedbed” performance is striking, but given brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004’s fragile young age, it is unlikely that he is familiar with the piece. We posit the theory that brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004 is an artistic genius whose visions are too premature for the rest of the world to yet appreciate.

When we sent a private message through the YouTube to brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004, the artist’s spokesperson expressed a profound distaste for the higher arts and even had the gall to imply that We might be romantically inclined toward the under-aged.

‘Tis a shame the artist was unavailable for comment. It would be invaluable to learn more of his background. Is his step-father a French chef? Does he have poor self image? What is his opinion on feminism and the rights of women abroad? Is this a reflection of the future anticipated by children born in the post-9/11 United States?

Alas, until brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004 steps forward from under the protect wing of his guardian, his work will remain a mysterious hint at the decay that swarms around us.

856-890-9112“Untitled (School)”
brandonzuperPUPPYLEGOS2004
KidPix Movie, Circa 2009

As a parting note, KidPix3D can even bring out the artist in the dimmest of us. Below is a work created by our least favorite student: Kaylee.

“Burkina Faso”
Kaylee Dickory
KidPix Movie, Circa 2014

A philosophical and non-discriminatory artistic medium, KidPix utilizes alphabetical ordering for its stock variety of backgrounds. Thus, the first grouping of maps in the list was Africa, and the proud country of Burkina Faso amongst the first options. This country caught the eye of Kaylee, who confided in me that she was intrigued by the blood diamond conflict in Africa. She is preparing for Chad, her boyfriend of 2.5 months, to propose to her, and has thus been uncharacteristically engaging in research on ethical sources of shiny rocks. Although Burkina Faso is not a source of blood diamonds, money from the trade is utilized to purchase weapons used for war in neighboring countries.

While we doubt Kaylee has a grasp of the political and socioeconomic challenges facing Burkina Faso, KidPix3D has empowered her to create a work that could cause even the most empathetically-detached amongst us to give pause.

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A stern warning from the editor:
Though deliberately misleading our readers is an act that runs contrary to our beliefs, it has come to our attention that for a democracy to function, so-called “alternate” (though by no means “equal”) viewpoints must be expressed for the public to arrive at higher truth. The Dean of our esteemed University has also informed me that this publication was never intended for Our own noble intentions of managing a reputable platform for higher thought. One would imagine that as a tenured professional that We had earned a website of Our own, but – woe! Fortune has not graced Us with its smile. Thus, with an ambivalent heart, today we will be joined by one of Our students who wishes to most distastefully express her dissenting opinion through our cherished publication.
-Hercules Romanus

 

Throughout history, people have painted the things that are around them that are important to them. The hunter gathers painted deers and war and mammoth. During the Renaissance they painted Jesus and plus sized angel woman. Lady Druerey is a product-of-our-time, and so she uses her camera phone instead of paint, and she takes photo of what is most important to her: food.

6094452497“Abstract with Turkey Sub (Giraffe)”
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

Lady Drearey visited our class to talk about but her work and she said that she doesnt mean anything deeper with her pieces but just like Robert Frost she is probably only saying that so the viewer will have to figure it out for themself and write a essay about it. The sandwich looks a lot like a sad man with a long nose and a round head kind of like Charlie Brown but with a long nose.

I think that Lady Drurry put it together this way to make us think about how we are what we eat people in America keep getting more obese if we keep eating carbs were going to keep getting fatter and sadder.

I relaly like how she uses monochramatic color on the dish and the sandwich is a warm color that gives her audience hope for the future. The greese is a symbol of dispair and greif that looks like a mandorla which is a egg shape ray-of-lite that goes around religious figures like Jesus.

Next she has this other photo that symbolizes our journey with our food choices that we have to make everyday.

5409925695“Abstract with Bread (the Chasm)”
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

The only thing in focus is thee word grain which is because it means that we need to eat more whole grains not white bread. Its really offcenter because the first thing the artist wants people to see if the bridge with the dark gap under it which looks like a cave but it is blurry because the viewer isnt supposd to be sure about their food choice. On the other side of the cave is wholesome food choice.

Lady Drury is very good at arranging food that to make sculptural sculpture work with deeper meaning than just the sandwich would be on it’s own. In her next piece she arranged the sandwich into a car.

VroomVroomSandwichWeb“Abstract with Turkey Sub (Flailing Penguin)”
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

This photo is a justaposition between the last photo with the sad man because now he is cut up and made into a car. This is because Lady Dury is worried about how we turn middle class workers into machines in Detroit. I really like the colors in that photo, theire nice. All in all Id have to say that Lady Drewury is a pretty good artist.

~*xXkayleeXx*~

“I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent.”
-Marilyn Monroe

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The vast expanse of the infinitesimal stood before us in three point perspective, as though We wert gazing upon a skyscraper of a modernized metropolis.

A paroxysm of fear engulfed Our being. Our left hand twitched, summoned by a mystical and ancient desire particular to homosapeins: the desire to entrap one’s vision of reality into a state of permanence and share with others of Our genus. We reached for our constant companion, our beloved iPhone™.

Although Our personal reservations momentarily arrested our inclination to post this digital exposure to “The Instagram,” whirling apparitions in the louche of Our absinthe have emboldened Us. We must share.

As introduction to Our most recent review of Our own masterpiece, “Monolithic Encapsulations in Alpha-Numeric Ordering (Gateway to China, part 4): Exposition Upon the Machinations of Humanity,” We felt it quite appropriate to commence this humble article with a quote from The Bard himself:

“But now the blood of twenty thousand men
Did triumph in my face, and they are fled;
And, till so much blood thither come again,
Have I not reason to look pale and dead?
All souls that will be safe fly from my side,
For time hath set a blot upon my pride.”

“King Richard the Second”
Act III Scene II by William Shakespeare

officeHorror“Monolithic Encapsulations in Alpha-Numeric Ordering (Gateway to China, part 4):
Exposition Upon the Machinations of Humanity”
Digital Exposure on iPhone™, 2014

The subject, an unholy descendent of the late Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, has transformed the gentle act of auditory correspondence into a shrieking portal to the deepest bowels of hell: infuriated, bewildered and improperly routed patrons (We are an esteemed professor of the history of art, not tuition and collections!). Or perchance, the device’s shrieks are the cries from one’s former significant other, Jane, who requires me to reiterate on the upteenth occasion upon the lack of moral and medical repercussions when one obtains an abortion. Jane, if thou art reading this, which thou most assuredly are (impertinent, co-dependent twat that thou art), we beseech you – do make a greater attempt to restrain your neurosis, particularly when We are at our place of gainful employment. And do engage in research on moral relativism, in addition to cognitive behavioral therapy.

To speak soothly, however, We would prefer that thou ceased communication with Us immediately and indefinitely.

The composition of this piece is atypical; the white, non-heterogenous circular elements are nearly centered. Though tradition requires that composition obey the rule of thirds (if one is to be taken seriously- do take note of this, Lady Druery), an enlightened artist such as ourselves may experiment with composition given our vast repertoire of knowledge and experience. The forced perspective draws the eye toward the top and center of the composition, culminating in the the central button reading “OK.”

A perverse industrial designer, almost certainly never confronted with the horrors of a phone not graced by the late Mr. Steven P. Jobs (may his soul rest outside the wheel of samsara), was of the firm conviction that a typically positive acknowledgement should take front and center of his or her abomination of a telephone (we insist upon utilizing both pronouns, in lieu of mistakenly attributing a mistake to a male). Woe that such perversion – that an acknowledgement of delusional positivity – might add to the wretched facade of this telephone.

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Until We so illustriously featured Lady Druery in this blog, one might have labeled her an undiscovered artistic genius. However, due to this publication’s prominent presence in the “World Wide Web,” she most assuredly will attain the highest pinnacle of infamy for her sadistic representations of the “coming of age” genre through sculptures composed of materials traditionally intended for consumption. Regrettably, she is not deserving of such honors.

Indeed, We would label Lady Druery as overtly, deliberately flamboyant for commercial artistic purposes – not for true intellectual creative pursuits, pure and unsullied by capitalistic motivations.

For background reference, one must note that Lady Druery is endowed with both the “X” and “Y” chromosomes, although she insists upon the utilization of the feminine pronouns when others refer to her. However, Lady Druery does not adopt the identity of female, nor does she claim to be in any way part of the transgender spectrum. Indeed, she is unabashedly male, masculine, heterosexual, and of hairy Italian descent. To quote the artist:

“I like that others get all confused and stuff about my gender identity. It makes people question what it is to be a dude or a chick or a person or or an Italian-American or whatever.”

‘Tis plausible that Lady Druery is a bigendered abnormality that our 21st century paradigm of sexual norms is as of yet unprepared to comprehend. However, We are of the most firm conviction that Lady Druery is abusing the transgender identity for her own capitalistic advantage. Despite our misgivings toward her sincerity, We shall take the higher ground and respect her pronoun of choice.

Her latest series, “Antagonistic Forms in Space #49-#51″ explores the state of reality as experienced by today’s youth, inculcated in a sexually-deprived, abstinence-dominated educational system.

comingOfAgeTurkey3“Antagonistic Forms in Space #49″
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

This turkey sandwich is a metaphorical representation of ones eyelids first being parted to the illuminating possibilities outside of ones pre-pubescent state. Green, the traditional color of nature, action and fertility, is here suffocated by various food products, including processed turkey wedges (an allusion to the artist’s feelings toward her mother), gelatinous and artificially-flavored cranberries (symbolic of homosexual liberation), and processed enriched wheat bread (representative of the earth and sky, or, as our more astute readers will no doubt conclude, Gaeia and Uranus). But within this context, the green call to action is crushed, limp, nutritionally deficient and powerless in the face of the forces which threaten to suffocate the life from it. Like the partnership between son and daughter, the earth and sky, this sandwich is the result of incest.

comingOfAgeTurkey2“Antagonistic Forms in Space #50″
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

While this piece, no doubt highly provocative and too titillating for display in elementary schools, also is a reflection of Lady Druery’s superb apathy toward her craft. She has captured this inspired sculptural work on inferior technology: an Android phone.

comingOfAgeTurkey1“Antagonistic Forms in Space #51″
Digital Exposure on Android Phone, 2014

Despite the brilliant composition of her pieces, her attention to the delicate structures formed on the surface of the all-encompassing cranberry gel, and the challenge posed by the intimidating cranberry standing triumphantly over the decimated – nay, the raped turkey sandwich – in Antagonistic Forms in Space #51, Lady Druery has confined herself to the role of the role of amateur. What might have been an emotional rendering of the David and the Goliath – the sandwich and the metaphorical monolith of menstruation – falls short upon academic scrutiny.

Were she to use a professional piece of photography equipment, such as the iPhone, or even a Kodak brownie, she might stand a chance of being taken seriously by the discerning and sophisticated artistic community at large. One can readily imagine that Lady Druery uses Microsoft and Google technologies, and may indeed still be utilizing Windows XP at her home office, if she can afford a computer, an office, or a home at all.

Our sage wisdom: preserve your day job, Lady Druery. Your insistence upon inferior craftsmanship will forever condemn your work to the shadows.

Untitled #87B: The Scourge of Cholera Confronted by Expectations of Mass Conformity

Whilst originally intended to liberate the servile from labor, the modern vacuum is a machine with a sordid history of subjugation of women and minorities. In this daring photograph We captured the visage of a machine in the doorway of Our previous abode upon the last day We held legal residence within. The daunting and degrading task of purging the dwelling of filth stood before Us, a monolithic spectre in the doorway radiating despair upon all who gazed upon it. Our horror compelled Us to permanently encapsulate this fleeting moment with the assistance of Our precious iPhone™:

CholeraVacuum“Untitled #87B:
The Scourge of Cholera
Confronted by Expectations of Mass Conformity”
Digital Exposure on iPhone Camera™

At the dawn of the American Civil War the first manual vacuum cleaner was unveiled with much fanfare and scandal in Iowa by Mr. Daniel Hess. It operated on a system of bellows that were manually pumped by a maid with pedals, a process which at the time elicited protest from the Puritanical factions of the northeastern United States for the unsavory motions it required of delicate, servile ladies in the full blossom of their youth.

This both served the purpose of firming the young lady’s thighs and liberated the household indentured servitude from the pains of beating their carpets outside, a process that contaminated the environment with the powdery leavings of human skin and dust mites and unnecessarily exposed unwed virgins to sunlight. To the great chagrin of religious factions, the rise of industrialization and Mr. Daniel Hess’ vacuum machine gave birth to a popular new form of raunchy entertainment: illicit “Ankle Shows” were held in many parlours throughout the midwest, a predecessor to the speak-easys prominent two generations later. With the impending loss of morally questionable slave labour, plantations owners across the South sent for delivery of the “Daniel Hess’ Magnificent Carpet Suction Machine” in order to purge their flooring of human leavings and encourage the patronage of wifeless males to their dust-ridden habitations and livestock pens.

In the modern context we also must acknowledge the subconscious impact of the secondary meaning of “vacuum”, as defined by Webster’s:

“Emptiness of space,” or
“a space absolutely devoid of matter.”

“Emptiness” is both a scientific, quantitative state of being and an emotional state popularly enjoyed by our nation’s teenagers during elated moments of self-flagellation whilst pleasuring their ears with musical performances by Marilyn Manson and other Satanic entertainers. As evidenced by Our photograph, once the evolutionary strength of a muscular, dominant male is removed from household carpet-beatings, the machine intended to liberate females becomes a mechanical replacement for male authority. It is faceless, and rises upon a black tide of decay and desanitation of the natural environment: a climate which violently leaches one’s vitality like cholera, a disease that runs rampant in environments permeated by perpetual filth.

Our First Foray into the Vast Expanse of the World Wide Web

We are awfully witty, that we are. And at present we are rigorously testing our website’s functionality and are thus forced to apply our fingertips to the oh so less than dainty surface known as a MacBookPro keyboard (as opposed to the more proper, peacock-derived plume known as a “quill” applied upon the hemp parchment employed by our illustrious forefathers). We have “skinned” – so to speak, albeit quite uncouthly – our keyboard with a synthetic, flexible material to prevent contamination of our beloved Macintosh product.

We beg our dear reader’s forgiveness for our rude choice of words, however, the demi-anonymous nature of the “information superhighway” compels this writer to reveal an intimate thought: this laptop “skin” doth greatly resemble a prophylactic.